Say cheese (and wine)! This little-known French river cruise is calmly idyllic

Words by Harriet Mallinson

“Who are you going to kill?” the waiter asks, straight-faced, as he hands me the knife. My victim is a large slice of rich, creamy cheese – the best cheese in the world in fact – and my stomach is rumbling keenly at the prospect.

I’m pretty sure tucking into this pungent Époisses, glass of Chardonnay in hand, as southern France’s countryside sails past, makes me one moustache-twiddle away from How to Live Your Best Life: French Edition.

It’s not just lucky me from my vantage point atop this VIVA Cruises ship though. Sailing out of Lyon I spy riverfront bars packed with carousing locals, kayakers relishing an evening paddle, and even a cheery water-skier who lifts a hand to me in salutation. The River Saône in the summer is French idyll at its best.

My fellow cruisers are onto it too, and we sprawl out on VIVA VOYAGE’s [below right], top deck sofas soaking up the views. Someone suggests a game of Uno and then a bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape appears, and suddenly we’re revelling like Burgundy Dukes of yore. If 15th century nobles took all-inclusive cruises that is.

More cheese – and an inadvertent jester – arrives. “Camembert? Comté?”, we query. The waiter (my knife-wielding pal) extends a hand to the plate, pauses and utters: “Three types of cheese”. He fills the ensuing pause with “…and walnuts and grapes.” I raise a quizzical eyebrow. “I am not a chef,” he shrugs, and wanders off. None of the cloying obsequiousness you often face on other cruise lines here then – and thank goodness.

The thing is, VIVA Cruises doesn’t want you to spend your holiday on the ship; instead the focus is spending time ashore exploring the destination – and oh, I do.

The Burgundian landscape is bountiful indeed: sunflowers the size of dinner plates splash the scene with yellow, their faces turned like an expectant congregation; green fields backed by woodlands undulate into the distance; and vineyards stripe the earth like a well-organised clothes shop.

Indeed you can hardly move for wineries here – there are 75,000 acres of vineyards in Burgundy and 4,000 winemakers: Montrachet, the Champse-Elysée of Burgundy, with its wallet-scaring plonk; Merseult, squeezing out complex white Chardonnay; and Volnay, known for its velvety red pinot noir. Some vineyards are so close together it seems impossible they’re producing different wines, but the region’s varied, earthquake-battered soil ensures otherwise.

To try some for yourself, VIVA organises excursions topped with wine-tasting – or dedicated oenophiles can go it alone on bike tours that stop at various wineries (VIVA VOYAGE is also equipped with its own bikes).

Burgundy wine wasn’t always there to be swirled, nosed and chewed, however. In Beaune, one of the most visited places in the region, we learn that wine was doled out to patients, including babies, in former hospital Hôtel-Dieu [below left], dating back to 1443. (Then again, the sick rarely recovered.)

– READ MORE: We sailed on Viva Cruises’ newest ship – here’s what happened –

No such luck for the 400 or so Benedictine ‘Black’ monks at Maçon cruise excursion highlight Cluny Abbey [below, left] in the early 12th Century, however. Wine was forbidden (it would excite the nerves too much), meat was out of the question, and only above-ground vegetables permitted (subterranean ones too close to the Devil for comfort). Oh, and let’s not forget the vows of chastity, silence and poverty, plus eight prayers a day.

Perhaps that’s why the abbey – the most important in the world until St Peter’s in Rome was built – was demolished after the French Revolution, while Hôtel-Dieu’s burnished golden roof still shines bright today…

Fortunately, monastic and river cruise life have very little in common. A calm-inducing benefit of sedately meandering along these waterways is that, unlike ocean voyages, ships often stay until the early hours so you can enjoy your included meal onboard before heading out for the evening to soak up local culture (and, crucially, more wine).

In Chalons sur Saône, for instance, we sip on very reasonably priced Saint Veran in the main square as the sun sets, and I almost expect Disney’s Belle to sashay down the Hotel de Ville steps and swing around the central statue in full song, it’s so gloriously French.

– READ MORE: What to visit on a Provence cruise –

Back on VIVA VOYAGE [above, centre & right], the majority of passengers are German, although VIVA Cruises says it is increasingly targeting international markets. You’ll also find a slightly greyer crowd on these older ships. Newer vessels VIVA ONE and VIVA TWO tend to attract younger cruisers looking to do more on their own, we’re told, and that’s also where you’ll find such bells and whistles as a bigger spa and treatment rooms…but they only sail the Rhine and Danube.

Entertainment on French-focussed ship VIVA VOYAGE comes by way of a crooner most evenings (although an accordionist does greet us on one afternoon), while the spa only manages to cram in a tiny sauna and steam room; a few board games can be found in the lounge and there’s a one-shelf library with mainly German books. Basically, what I’m saying is: you’d better like the people you’re travelling with… or love an early night.

Next year VIVA Cruises is set to combine select Rhone and Saône sailings with Seine itineraries – ideal for those looking to tick Paris off as well as the south – and a new ship launches in January 2025, so there’s lots to look forward to with this little-known brand.

For now, though, the waiter has just come back with an update on that cheese selection – and even added some extras. I won’t push it with the ice cream flavours available, though.

– READ MORE: Can you stay fit on a river cruise? –