We sailed on an ultra-luxury ship – you won’t believe what’s included

Words by Harriet Mallinson

Hell was never on my holiday to-visit list but I seem to have entered the Underworld. A Charon-like ferryman guides me into a small craft and pushes off into the dark, subterranean river. In silence we snake through labyrinthine caves crammed, like lost souls in Hades, with stalactites and stalagmites. Should I have brought a ball of string?

Around me these grotesque formations variously resemble shards of lasagne sheets, solidified sponges, melting candles, doughy teats tipped with wobbling water droplets, folds of cheddar – it’s like Stranger Things takes on Wallace and Gromit’s A Grand Day Out. The prehistoric, palatial cellars are atmospherically lit in places but inky, cavernous holes gape in the distance – what lurks beneath? Will we ever escape?

When we do finally emerge – from the Diros Caves in Greece’s southern Peloponnese region, if you fancy your own land of the dead dalliance – I’m greeted by a glittering aquamarine sea, bobbing boats and a blindingly-white stone beach. Heaven, and not hell, after all then.

My place in paradise is further evidenced when I return to my residence for the week – luxury cruise ship Seven Seas Grandeur. It is indeed – and I cannot put too fine a point upon this – very grand.

There’s the Minotaur-sized diamond chandelier in the atrium; there are the $400 Versace plates, the $6million art collection, and even a Grandeur-exclusive Fabergé egg – and that’s before we get to the who-do-I-have-marry-to-stay-here suite costing $11,000 a night.

It’s not just the obvious indicators of luxury that impress me, though. All-inclusive with Regent Seven Seas Cruises means all-inclusive. I make such extensive use of the unlimited laundry my sack looks like Santa’s as I deposit it outside my cabin door – and revel in its return, presented in tissue paper and boxed, as though an admirer has delivered a lavish gift.

By the pool I relish lolling on mattress-like sun loungers and ordering cocktail after cocktail without ever fretting about the bill. The water in the Greek sunshine feels almost creamy as I breaststroke, Venus-like, though the shimmer… although that could be the three margaritas.

It’s also this fuel that persuades us we might harbour a secret talent for pickleball, and my friend and I feel thoroughly liberated as we lark around on the top deck court with only a handful of passing cruisers for company. “As if we’re on a ship!” my pal cries as another ball is lobbed over the net and lands…out.

Elsewhere, the Seven Seas Grandeur library (yes, really) is so well-stocked I find my much-sought next read within seconds, the Card Room has enough games to last a lockdown, and the casino offers lessons. But for high kicks over high stakes, it’s the evening spectacles that would placate Zeus and co.

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“We may be a small ship but we’ve got big entertainment,” Cruise Director David Nevin tells me. “Over the last few years we’ve been cultivating a team of performers and musicians that are getting better and better.”

One new show sees a purpose-built pirate ship brought on stage and choreography by a Dancing with the Stars pro; another was masterminded by a Broadway director. During my sojourn I’m whisked away to Buenos Aires for a tango bonanza – delectably entitled Pasión. I’m told professional Argentinian tango dancers taught the Regent troupe the moves in just seven days; “It’s mind-blowingly beautiful,” enthuses David.

We are more prosaic: “I wanted anyone else’s legs on that stage other than my own,” my friend sighs as another extravaganza of sparkle and Pegasus-quick costume changes comes to an end. I, meanwhile, feel conscious of my growing circumference in the wake of the svelte toe-tappers. Will my two laps of the pool be enough to counteract my gluttony?

One night in Seven Seas Grandeur restaurant Sette Mari I eat double pasta – it’s what the Italians would have wanted. Another evening in the steakhouse I order the potato gratin side twice (and you must too, I’ve been fantasising about this dish ever since I cruised on sister ship Seven Seas Splendor three years ago). “Crucial fuel for sightseeing!” I say to myself as I scoff another almond croissant at breakfast on the terrace.

The problem is, the food on this Elysian vessel is lip-smackingly, belly-strainingly, dream-hauntingly superb. You can go to as many fitness classes as you like (and you can – it’s all-inclusive remember) or sweat it out in the sauna (the vast spa tops many a swanky hotel – there are even ice walls in the cold room) but I suspect nothing would truly work off the indulgence that you should, nay must, savour to the max onboard.

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As for me, sloth is another of my sins: my gym kit remains in my suitcase the length of my opulent getaway. Instead I settle for steps to beat the bulge – and there are a lot of them. The Regent itinerary from Athens to Istanbul boasts port stops every single day bar one so there’s no excuse for not stretching out the sea legs. Plus, shore excursions are – you guessed it – all included.

In Mykonos I wend through Bougainvillea-sprayed streets, the iconic white buildings like iced cakes decorated with primary-coloured doors and shutters – Toy Town meets Hansel and Gretel – and in Gythion I dangle my feet in the cool Mediterranean and look out to the island from where Helen of Troy fled with Paris, sparking the Trojan Wars – as legend has it.

I am inexplicably moved in Corfu as I watch locals pay homage to Saint Spiridon’s silver tomb in the town’s famous Byzantine church, and in Olympia I stand on the starting line where the ancients took part in the first Olympic Games over 2,000 years ago. Good luck finding a land-based holiday that can offer all this in just five days!

But remember, you will still have to wash your own pants when you get back home.

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